Although it might be hard for you, they need you to maintain a calm consistent presence. But in most cases, it does not mean there is anything more serious going on than the natural process of becoming an adult.
Here are some points to help you.
Allow them some level of Independence:
Slowly support your teen in developing their level of independence as they mature. For example, let your teen choose how to decorate their room and style their hair. Restricting parents may face increased conflict in relating with a teen who seeks independence.
Ask your teenager what level of independence they'd like and come to some compromise.
Accept their social demands
Teens are often concerned with social relationships and peers. They will likely want to spend more time with friends than with family (It's normal for teens). While it's important for them to be a part of the family, try also as parents, to respect their demands to engage in friendships, spend time with friends, and create their social identity.
Allow your teenagers join clubs or groups that are of great benefits to them in their quest to learn and interact with people likely of the same age, other social activities such as joining sport teams, engaging in competitions, etc.
As Parents, endeavor to ask your teens about their friends and try to learn their names before they hang out. Meet their friends in person if you can.
Respect their privacy while keeping an eye on them:
Teenagers want increasing independence, and this includes need for privacy too. It might feel like your teen is tuning you out or ignoring you, what they are likely wanting is some space to be alone or with friends. Always consider giving them increased privacy as they get older.
If your teenager isn't forthright in talking to you or wants to spend less time with you, don't take it personally and instead, see it as a developmental stage. You do, however, have the final say in their activities and should look out for their safety.
Let them make their own mistakes, while you watch to correct them. Love them, and endeavor to be there for them in needed situations.
Be there to comfort your teen when they are disappointed.
No matter how many warnings you may give them, teens prefer to learn experimentally.
Some teens need to fail or make mistakes to learn from them and be responsible. As a parent, it's difficult to watch your child fail. Give them the support they need, even if you must say, “I told you so”.
Teen’s corner
What do teenagers mostly want or need from their parents?
I want my parents to always be proud of me despite the mistakes I tend to make.
I want them to always trust me, as much as I also try to show that I’m trustworthy.
Parental advice
Hugs and “I love you”
Parental support
I just think that we want our parents to be proud of us as a person, and for the good choices we make in life. We also crave love, and our parents are the best persons to tell us that.
There is nothing more crushing than being let down by our parents, and all that horrible feeling you get if you have let them down.
-Carlyn
°°°°°°°°°°
As a teen I feel like I can answer this well. We want acceptance. We want to be able to grow into our best selves. We want to be able to make mistakes and learn from them without being judged.
I want to be treated like adults because we nearly are adults. I'm not saying we want all the responsibilities of being an adult quite yet, but we would like to be spoken to like an adult. Be allowed some freedom to make our own choices like adults. Be trusted to not do stupid things to some extent. And to not be monitored all the time because in a few short years we will have to be responsible for ourselves.
Even if you scold or lecture, teens barely do change. If you want to change them, encourage them… Being a good friend will automatically result in bringing up the best change on your child's side and they will improve as well as share things with you…
Believe in them, but don't leave them free… Have an eye on them, but don't doubt or hurt them by asking harsh questions… It won't work… They will just rub their shoulders and move on cool…
Please come into a mindset that we aren't children nor adults, so we may have many stuffs running through our minds… Don't take it seriously as you know that, even you went through it.
Don't compare them, in this age even a saint will get tempered, so that will surely affect your child mentally as well as destroy their peace of mind… So, please come out of that chaff(comparison)…
Give them their own space to choose their higher studies, please…
This age makes us do a lot of weird stuff we sincerely apologize for that. We will surely become fine with your love and encouragement.
And we do understand your feelings and difficulties, don't misunderstand us…
Listen actively to your teen.
If you remember being a teenager, then you probably remember that it wasn’t easy. If your teen is complaining about their difficulties, don’t immediately brush them off or say, "I had it worse." Instead, listen in. While their problems may sound trivial to you, they feel big to your teen. Practice empathy by hearing them out and imagining yourself in their place.
Relate to how problems can feel big even when they are small.
Ask questions to show interest.
One of the best ways to build connections and understand your teen is by being curious and asking questions. Don’t pester your teen but show curiosity toward them and ask them about their interests, friends, goals, and dreams. When asking questions, keep them open-ended. For example, instead of asking, "Did you have a good day at school?" say, "What activities did you enjoy at school today?" When your teen does share with you, listen, and respond thoughtfully.
Have regular and frequent conversations with your child. Talking together should be a daily activity. The best thing that can happen to you as a parent of a teenager is being a friend to your teen.
Spend quality time together.
While your teenager may be becoming their own person, you should still look for opportunities to spend time together. Look for activities that aren't connected to their schoolwork or extracurriculars.
You can:
Eat dinner together every night
Play boardgames
Do things your teenager enjoys together.
Don't raise your voice and hand:
Be kind and polite at any situation. If you can't buy or provide them something which they need. Just say to them openly in a polite manner “I don't have enough money, I had loss in business, or I need to meet this need it's very important”.
Just say it openly as they are young adults and can understand.
If they request for something for a long time and you can't provide it, politely say “I am sorry son or daughter some unexpected things happen this time. Next time I’ll get it for you.” Do say sorry or thank you whenever needed.
If you are raising your voice, your teen will also raise his or her voice later when you are old. You can't expect them to say sorry and thank you also.
Someone once said; raise your your words not your voice.
Be a friend
Speak to them, have a daily talk with them about your business or job, how you handled a problem you faced at work, or how you helped the beggar etc. Be sure then that they will also share theirs with you. You need to also make them comfortable when they are sharing some things with you.
Try to give reasons in most cases why you say “no" to certain things, as they are most times not able to understand what is going on in your mind at a certain time and in life. Having a proper communication and sharing experiences of what you go through can help them understand better.
If you're unfriendly, be sure that they will barely share any information or experiences with you, they will not be hesitant in telling lies and won't say anything to you. The world is so big, probably there will be someone out there they might be close to and probably share such experiences with.
Love and support
Whatever happens try to love and support them. Here I like to quote something:
“When you like a flower, you will pluck it but, when you love a flower, you just water it regularly”.
Now you got the difference I guess…
When you love someone truly you don't hurt them, you support them no matter how hard the situation is, and you never give up on them.
If you're not loving them hard and support their flaws, same like what I said above the world is big, they will fall in love with a stranger.
If you compare, they will also do the same in their mind. When the time comes they will revert back the same verbally.
Give them a little freedom
Freedom to choose their career, partners, , gifts, place etc.
Don't see the society. You are the society.
Your teenager will be a responsible human. They won't do anything against you.
At last, you must be proud of who they are, accepting their flaws, weakness, maturity…
First let them be proud of you, for sure they will make you proud one day. And it's difficult if you are practicing all these things in older teenagers. For them it feels different if you're doing it suddenly, as you must do from their understanding stage.
Anyways, communication is the best for all stages. Just communicate and understand them.
Generally, teenagers mostly don't find it worth to mention their situation, problems, success with their parents rather they share it with their friends. (Well, I don't know if all teens look upon this as correct, but I think most introverts are like this.)
So, they want to hear from their parents “no problem”, better say what you want to". This adds to the courage of teens.
Teens are generally confused about choices a lot.
They want their parents to say “Miriam, are you in love with someone? what's his name? Then advice and give her reasons why it's not healthy for her. Rather than “what do you think! Is love important at this age?!, focus on your studies or I will go to your school and inform your principal.
Let me share my own experience.
I never stayed with my parents; I've always stayed with my guardian who has over time become my mom. she has always been nice to me right from when I was just a kid. We communicated frequently and we gist a lot.
So, when I was 13 in Junior high School, I had my first girlfriend, and she never knew…not because I was afraid of telling her but she never asked. When I was 15 during our normal gist, she advised me not to have a girlfriend and I smiled… I told her openly that I already had one and had broken up already.
Wow! I can imagine the shock she had after hearing that. She advised me and told me the dangers of dating at a young age. And since I was 15 till now (18), I haven't had another girlfriend and I promised not to, until I am ready for marriage hopefully when I am done with my university education. Lol
Let them express their emotions.
Adults often tell teens to stop sulking or being upset or angry, but let your teen express their emotions. If they avoid their feelings or stuff them down, they will likely come out in a more negative way later. Teens are learning how to identify and manage their emotions, so allow them to do this. It’s important for them to recognize and accept their feelings as they happen and find ways to release their emotions, like talking to a friend.
Remind your teen that there are no good or bad emotions, but there are good and bad ways of dealing with them.
Tell them that you love them no matter what happens.
Your teenager may worry that you will judge them or become angry when they make a mistake. Let them know that while you may not agree with all their decisions, you will still love them no matter what.
Try not to expect perfection out of your teenager as part of life is making mistakes, and your teenager may make a few as they grow up. Help them learn from these mistakes without judging them. Rather correct them with love.
Be sensitive to their moods.
Give teens space to manage their emotions on their own. Leave them to be in their room or back off after arguments. Have some empathy toward their moodiness as it can result from triggers such as a breakup, academic disappointment, or social or family problems.
Make sure your teen knows they have your love and support, no matter what. Emphasize that they don’t need to feel guilty or embarrassed about asking for help.
Say something like, "I want to help you feel better however I can. If you ever need anything, or if you just want to talk, you can come to me." Empathize with your teen. Make your child feel understood, comfortable, and loved, not judged. Listen to them and do your best to see where they’re coming from. Say something like, "I know you’ve got to be struggling a lot right now."
Sometimes a teenager might just want to be left alone, this could be to gather their thoughts or just relax. Parents need to understand that teenagers don't want to spend as much time hanging around with brothers and sisters as they do with their friends.
Specific things a teenager really want or need to hear from their parents:
1. They want a friend in you let them share what they feel by being their friend. You will know everything they go through.
2. They expect you to tell them not to get depressed if they don't score well, instead of yelling at them for their score.
3. They want you to give them freedom to attend parties along with their friends by not being overprotective.
4. They want you to support them in the career of their interests.
5. They want your suggestion when they make decisions as they have a lot of confusion in making decisions at this phase.
6. They want you to forgive them for their mistakes.
7. They need to hear from their parents saying, “it's ok.”
Understand why pressuring a teenager can backfire.
While you may think pressuring your teen to succeed is helpful to assuring a positive future, this technique often backfires. Teenagers fail to learn how to self-motivate and fall behind later in life.
Pushing your teenager to succeed, and putting a lot of focus on his performance in a variety of fields, means you serve as the primary motivator for your teen. Your teenager fails to learn how to develop self-motivation, judgment, and
autonomous thinking. These are skills your teen will need later in life for success.
high pressure can lead to excessive stress.
Many teens underperform or underachieve due to high stress or anxiety over success. If fear of failure is high, a teen might think it's easier to simply not try at all.
Learn what is important to your teens.
Teenagers need to be autonomous to a degree in order to properly motivated. Understand what's important to your teenager and what his own goals, dreams, and ambitions are.
Few teens are 100% unmotivated and lazy. If you think your teenager is underachieving, chances are he simply lacks motivation in fields that you value. For example, if you come from a long line of
doctors and your teenager is pulling a C-average in biology, you may label him as unmotivated.
However, look at his other grades. Is he doing well in art, English, history? Maybe biology simply isn't that important to him. He may be very motivated, just not in the directions you would like.
Rather than berating your teen about the areas where they lack motivation, talk to him about the areas where he seems most motivated. Ask your teenager, "Why are you so dedicated to reading?" He might respond that he loves books and hopes to study English in the university. You can help motivate him in other areas by telling him getting into a good school requires a high overall score,so even if he's not as interested in his physics course it might benefit him long term to channel some of his motivation for literature into math.
Look for signs of depression.
Lack of motivation is a common cause of depression. With all the hormonal and chemical changes going on in your teenager's body, it's
possible to sometimes overlook signs of a bigger issue. All teens act out occasionally, but depression is more sustained and severe.
Depressed teens are likely to experience irritability and anger, unexplained aches and pains, and sensitivity to criticism, as well as other signs. If you notice these or any of the following, talk to your teen about seeing a mental health professional (or at least your physician)
Feelings of sadness or hopelessness
Feelings of worthlessness or like a "failure"
Frequent tearfulness or crying, mood swings
Withdrawal from friends and activities he used to enjoy
Lack of enthusiasm, motivation, or willpower
Changes to sleep and eating habits
Fatigue, exhaustion, or lack of energy
Trouble concentrating
Thoughts or feelings of self-harm.