Though it's totally normal for your child to become a little more distant as they navigate through their teenage years, it's not easy adjusting to the fact that they don't want to hang out with you as much.
It might seem like only yesterday they loved spending time with you, but now they're more interested in their friends and mobile phone than being with their family.
You may we wondering how to react when you've always encouraged them to think for themselves, but now you fear they aren't respecting your boundaries. And, maybe you're worried about preying too much into their lives, as you know the importance of giving them space.
The truth is, your teenager really does want you in his or her life. They need you in their life! They want to share with you what’s going on in their world. They just don't know how to navigate this weird space between childhood and adulthood, and they're are pushing you away while trying to figure it out.
This pushing away is normal and natural, but parents start to freak out about it! This freaking out often causes parents to do everything they can possibly think of to get our teenager to communicate with them. But many of the things they naturally do to get teens to talk actually push them away further!
Here are things you might be doing that are pushing your teenager away:
You’re asking too many questions
To parents, asking questions is an obvious way to encourage communication.
To teenagers, it feels like they are constantly being interrogated.
“How was your day at school today?”
“Who are you texting?”
“How much homework do you have?”
“Why do you have three missing assignments?”
“When are you going to basketball practice?”
“Who is going to be there?”
You get the point.
Teenagers feel like they are being bombarded with questions from their parents all day long—and they aren’t wrong! It’s exhausting to have to answer questions constantly.
You solve their problems:
Parents often assume that their children want advice or solutions to their problems. Instead of listening to the child and hearing their point of view, we jump in with our own opinions and thoughts.
Ask, “do you want help solving this problem?”
Encourage brainstorming and problem-solving
Let your child try their own ideas, even if it might not be the perfect solution.
You talk too much:
If you child is more introverted, they may need time to be quiet, time alone or time to process what you’re asking. If your child is more extroverted, they may need more time to talk.
Ask open-ended questions, then wait for their reply
Listen without interrupting
Support with silence.
You’re judgmental:
Your child may not talk to you because they are afraid of your response. They may feel that you will criticize their decisions, say something negative about a friend, or give a consequence.
Watch your response, stay neutral
Ask questions to get more details instead of jumping to conclusions
Check in with how your child feels or what they think, “How did that make you feel?” or “What do you think about that decision?”
You’re distracted:
Your child may be ready to talk, but you’re not picking up on the cues because you are busy. Or, your child may be tired of competing with your phone or computer for attention.
Monitor your distraction level throughout the day, what needs to change?
Put your phone away during transitions, especially when your child comes home from school or you return home from work
If you really are busy, reschedule, “I want to give you my full attention, I’m going to send this email, then I’ll be able to really focus.” (Remember to follow through!)
You pressure them to talk:
When parents are concerned about their kids, they often push to find out what’s wrong. It’s frustrating to ask questions without getting a response, and it’s hard when our kids don’t know why they are struggling.
Find alternatives to asking, “why”
Keep communication open, “I’m here when you’re ready to talk.”
Use a games or art activity to help them express their thoughts or feelings
Sometimes, families get stuck in negative communication patterns. By changing the way you talk with your teen you are changing the pattern.
You may need to try a few things before you find the one that works best for your teen. But, with time, they will notice your effort and (maybe slowly) begin to open up.
You’re nagging them about everything:
Your teenager knows what they need to do, and yet you still ask them to do it 20 times because they are just sitting there on their phone. Am I right?
They only need to be told once, and the more you nag them about it, the less likely they are to do it.
Here's how you can reduce nagging.
Don’t tell your teen to do something. Instead, tell them why they should do it.
“Put your laundry away” can be reframed as “Here is your clean laundry. Putting it away will keep your clothes looking nice. When we leave it out, it’s likely to fall on the floor and get dirty again.”
This gives them a good reason to do the thing you are asking and you aren’t commanding them to do it. They feel like they have a choice.
Train yourself to only ask once. If your teen never does what was asked of them, the next time they ask you to do something, you tell them you can’t do it and why.
“Mom, can you give me snacks money?”
“I’m sorry, I can’t. You didn’t put your laundry away when I asked you to do it this morning, so I won’t be able to give you.”
Just a few times doing this will teach them to do what you ask right away.
You don’t trust them to make good decisions:
Give your teen more trust than you think they necessarily deserve. If they know you trust them, they will do whatever they can to keep that trust.
But if they think that you don’t trust them and you have unnecessary rules set up because of that, they will probably go behind your back and do it anyway. And they won’t tell you about it.
Teens value your trust. They want to keep it. If they don’t have your trust anyway, why bother keeping the rules? You’re not going to trust them either way, so what’s the point? Might as well do what they want.
Have a conversation and explain what you expect from them (not in a lecture!) when they are in certain situations. Talk about the reasons behind your rules. And then trust that they will keep those rules.
If they end up breaking the rules (and they will), Stay calm, listen to them, and work together to come up with an appropriate consequence.
If they keep the rules (and they will), Praise them for making a good decision.
A teen who knows his parents trust him will trust his parents with his feelings
These are replies from your teens about reasons they avoid talking to you.
Why do teenagers avoid talking with their parents?
Because most of their parents don’t really listen. Some do, I assume yours do, but a lot don’t have a close connection where they feel like they can talk to them about anything or the parents just lecture them when they ask about something important to them.
It is not unusual, and not intended harm, but it removes the most important influence from a lot of decisions.
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My mother is great and all, but it's hard to approach her for emotional support
When I was in highschool, a girl said that she made a fake Facebook page about me (This was back when Facebook was new) and my mum didn't let us get one. I was horrified that this girl did this, and I told my mother about it, thinking she would show me some perspective and comfort me, instead, she screamed at me that it was my fault and that I must have said something to the girl
I hadn't even spoken to the girl outside of class
She convinced me that it was all my fault
I confronted the girl about it and told my teachers and it turns out that the girl was lying and I didn't have a Facebook page
I told my mother and all she spat out was “Good”
No apology or anything
From then on, I figured that I couldn't tell her about anything whether it was about me being bullied more or anything. So I was bullied relentlessly and that only stopped after 2 or 3 years
A few months ago, I confronted her about it, and she blatantly refuses to see my side of it and screams that it was all my fault
When I started my period, I told her and she told me where the pads were and that's it. She didn't give me any comfort or tell me what to expect or how to deal with the pain (I knew the basics from school but that was it). I had to learn the rest by myself
Because I couldn't talk to her about these things, I ended up with very low self esteem, couldn't stand by ground and had trouble making friends
I also had really bad depression in highschool and my mum basically left me to it and didn't really interact with me much.
So I've gotten used to just chilling upstairs and alone, but nowadays she's like NO, BE PART OF THE FAMILY, YOU'RE JUST LIKE YOUR DAD BEING ANTISOCIAL and all that BS.
so from this, I can see why I crave validation and stuff, and whenever I like something she doesn't like, I instantly get this urge to correct myself and like what she likes. And it's the same with others, I find myself changing my responses based on what other people like so they like me.
And when I do get it, it doesn't feel right y'know
She's the reason I'm like this, and I understand that and I'm trying to change
One time, I got up during dinner because I needed to throw up, and she told me that I was ruining everyone's food. SERIOUSLY?! DOESN'T SHE THINK MY MEAL IS RUINED TOO BECAUSE I NEED TO THROW UP?
Even now, I don't have a close relationship with her, and she makes me travel over 80 miles in total for uni despite telling me I could move out (she didn't let me), and it's taken a toll on my health and she still wouldn't let me despite a doctor suggesting it
My friend suggested talking to my mum about everything, but that won't work. She refuses to see where she went wrong
It really sucks.
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I personally don’t like talking to my parents all the time because I feel as though I will mess something up. I do like to talk to them, but I feel like I will either say or do something wrong. I just got my phone taken away from me a few hours because I was watching The Office instead of just listening to music; I saw my sister watching The Office while doing homework and I thought that I could do the same, but apparently not. The main other reason that I spend a lot of time talking to my friends over my parents is because my sister and I fight every single day and my parents, neither of which grew up with other kids in the house, can’t understand that we can go from hating each other to being best friends in like 3 minutes. It’s just easier for me to stay away from them, and my phone gives me something to do when I’m alone.
I also don’t like talking to my parents for long periods of time because there is always something that can go wrong, and chances are it will. I just might forget something and get yelled at for it. I’ve been getting agitated really easily recently, most likely because of hormones, and it's just more helpful for me to seclude myself from the rest of the family.
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Sometimes it’s simply because the teenagers are forming their own identity, and they want to work it out in their own heads without feedback from their parents. This is particularly true if the parents expect their children to hold the same views on everything, or most things.
Sometimes it’s because the parents aren’t good, sympathetic listeners.
It is not always the parents doing something wrong. They may be wrapped up in their own issues; they may never have learned from their own parents how to be objective when objectivity is needed. And teenagers are growing and changing. Sometimes an open, talkative child becomes a more quiet and private adult.
The vital thing is to keep the communication channels open. Keep a watchful eye and respectful distance. Realize the effect of the messages you’re sending if you rail against people with different opinions.
And if any political or religious ideology is damaging or putting stress on your relationship with your child, ditch it. You’ve either got it wrong, or it’s fundamentally wrong.
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I think it has something to do with our childhood, I guess? Personally I disagree the whole saying that if you spare the rod, you’ll spoil the child. I think if you use the rod, you just make him hate and fear you for life because that’s what I feel. I feel scared of making mistakes constantly because I’m always reminded what happens if I fuck up in the past. Sure that won’t happen now and I know it, but it always pops up in my mind.
You want a better way of disciplining your child? Why not try talking to them, telling them that what they did is wrong, and what is the correct way to handle the situation? This way, they would be seeing you as a person who can delegate and negotiate situations which they can apply themselves in other settings; and not be afraid of talking to you because now they know you can provide proper help to whatever situation they find themselves in.
That said, if they have siblings, don’t practice favoritism, they can tell. And even if you’re not, they will be paranoid. You must explain your decision clearly, let them understand that it’s not just the best for them that must be considered, but also what’s best for you guys and the family.
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When I tried to talk to my mom about anything, it would ALWAYS end in an irrationally heated argument that over a period of time affected me in terrible ways.
I may sound like I just didn’t understand her because I was young but that couldn’t be further than the truth. Long story short, I became suicidal as a result.
After a while I looked into the topic of emotional abuse and my mom did a lot of the things that count as emotional abuse.
I do try to forgive her for it as she didn’t seem to realise how much she had harmed me until she almost lost me forever (she did quickly forget though).
She didn’t intend to make my life a living hell but she did anyway, I don’t hate her for it but I don’t love her either, but I do want things to work out in the end.
I am aware that parents provide for their children but that (in a lot of cases) doesn’t compensate for anything as it is an obligation to provide for your children. As long as they are in their care they have to provide or else it’s neglect.
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My mother and I have not spoken in several years. I stopped all communication because in her eyes I had no idea what I wanted from life, she did and she was going to make her vision of my life reality no matter how many times I repeated that her vision of my life is not what I wanted.
She had no respect for my boundaries, I wasn’t allowed to decide anything (not even my own career) I couldn’t even choose my own clothing. I was in my early 20’s and she treated me like a two-year-old. Even kept track of when I used the washroom and what I did in the washroom by listening at the door.
I will NEVER get back in touch with that toxic psycho.
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When a baby first learns to crawl, a parent must watch it. They need to make sure they are in no danger. To me a former teenager and a rebellious one at that. I now understand a teenager is like a new born. A new born person with they're own ideas. But like any newborn they dont know as much as an elder. A teenager gets an idea in their head and see it only his they want. An adult knows different. So a teen who wants to walk talk and live by their own rules doesnt understand what they would be getting themselves into if the adult gave them free reign and that can chafe.
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They have already given us the impression that they will never understand our feelings. So what do we want to talk to them about. Instead of supporting you they will compare you to other children. As if they know whats going on in the other child's life. They feel talking to you is not important. You are meant to know it all by yourself. What if we are not smart enough to know it all. Do such questions enter their mind? After all they learnt theirs on their own. I just hate this particular mentality of most african parents. You can't even tell them about it cause they will feel that you are disrespecting them. I hope they will change for the better.
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Teenagers are trying to become independent adults. They often feel that parents have no way of understanding a teenager's life experiences.
Adults have histories and experiences, too, of course. But this world is all brand-new to teenagers. Teenagers think that things adults have seen so often as to be commonplace for us are fresh and completely unheard of in their world. And they are trying to navigate this brave, new world all on their own.
Lost lines of communication are very difficult to reconnect. Gentle persistence with non-judgmental responses work best. Shouting and punishments won't get anyone anywhere.
If you want your teen to talk to you, step back and give them the space they need to share. Don’t worry if they don’t tell you everything, because they won’t. But they will sure tell you a lot more when they know you’re listening, validating, and trusting.
