Before I begin, I would like to note that I am not a mental health professional. I am writing about this as a person who has once lived with depression.
Based on my experience (which is by no means a representation of all people living with depression), depression can be partially attributed to chemical imbalances in the brain. So despite my best efforts (praying, trying to go out and have positive experiences) the temporary relief produced from these activities was well.. temporary. They didn’t make my depression “go away.” Not to mention the fact that when I was at my worst, doing simple things like getting out of bed to do some chores were exhausting. At the time, my depression made the idea of doing anything seem like a huge task. I simply didn’t have the energy or desire to pray, exercise, or go out and about.
I think that depression can be difficult for non-sufferers to understand because the feelings associated with it (sadness, loneliness, lack of motivation) seem, superficially, to be part of the normal human experience.
Depression is a disease as real as diabetes or cancer, it's frequently disregarded or stigmatised. You might be wondering what you shouldn't say as a parent of a depressed teen. It can be easy to ignore your child's sickness or attempt to convince them that they shouldn't be depressed if you don't yourself experience depression and don't understand how it affects the mind.
Here are some words to stay away from and ideas on what not to say in their place when speaking with a depressed teen.
Some things you should never say to someone with depression:
“You have nothing to be depressed about.”
Depression is not an illness of logic. Many people who have suffered through tragedies worse than anything you’ve encountered do not have depression. And many people who seem to have everything they need and want do develop depression. Pointing out all of the things that your teen has that should make him or happy will not make the depression go away.
What to Say Instead
Your teen has likely questioned this him- or herself. After all, if they have loving parents, a comfortable home to live in, a school that they like, and friends to depend on, they might not understand why they feel so depressed. You can say, “I don’t know why you are depressed, and I know that you don’t, either. I would like to help you get well, so let’s think about what might help.”
“Why are you depressed? Life is beautiful”
Asking someone with depression “why are you depressed? Life is beautiful” is like asking someone with asthma “ why do you have asthma? There's so much air to breathe.
If you know someone who’s depressed, please resolve never to ask them why. Depression isn’t a straightforward response to a bad situation; depression just is, like the weather.
Try to understand the blackness, lethargy, hopelessness, and loneliness they’re going through. Be there for them when they come through the other side. It’s hard to be a friend to someone who’s depressed, but it is one of the kindest, noblest, and best things you will ever do.
Do you have depression too?? Is it fashionable to be depressed these days?
Cancers are getting more and more common too, why don't you say cancer is fashionable?
If I really think it's fashionable and cool, I'd tell everyone I'm depressed, instead of hiding it under my mask and feigning happiness all the time.
“It’s just mood swings/ hormones, you’ll grow out of it soon”
Mood swings aren’t the same thing as depression. Mood swings can be like feeling happy one minute, sad the next, then excited, and then mad, etc. It’s where your mood can change really fast and it can be awful, but it’s not depression. Depression is usually more negative feelings and numb feelings, feelings of worthlessness, etc.
“Stop being so dramatic”or “You’re such an attention seeker”
If someone with depression is asking for help, it’s not attention seeking. Usually the last thing we want is lots of attention. In addition to that, people don’t do self harm for attention. There are many reasons that people might hurt themselves, such as; -outweighing the negative feelings in your heads-, -to feel anything other than emptiness-, to punish themselves for something, such as hurting another person-, etc. Understand that self harm can be addicting and is not easy to stop. If someone tells you that they self harm, don’t just shake it off like it’s nothing. It’s really hard to talk to someone about depression, so respect them. Let them talk if they need to talk and just be there for them in general. You can tell them they need help and you want them to get better because you care about them, etc.
“Choose to be happier”
Depression is a mental illness, mental illnesses aren’t a choice. You can’t just flick a magic wand and become happy. It’s most definitely not that simple. If it was, not so many people would be depressed.
“I know what it’s like to be sad too” or “Everyone gets sad sometimes”
Depression isn’t just sadness, it’s much harder to get over.
“You don’t look depressed, stop faking!”
You don’t have to “look depressed,” to be depressed. Depression is a mental disorder, not a style of clothes. Don’t just accuse someone of being fake. Sure, there are people who fake depression out there, but it’s not your responsibility to call them out for it, especially if they actually are struggling.
“There are people who are struggling more than you, so stop complaining”
Yeah, there are always going to people who have it worse than you, that doesn’t mean your struggles are nothing. There are homeless people out there and people who are starving and are struggling trying to get enough money to keep their home and have food to eat. Struggling isn’t a competition, and it never has been, so don’t act like it is.
“You have so much and there are so many kids out there are homeless and starving, etc., and you’re sitting here crying like a baby about how awful your life is and calling it depression”
First off, what is or isn’t in your life doesn’t affect how much you struggle, you could have everything and be depressed, or you could have nothing and be happy. Second off, that’s just plain rude. Again, struggling isn’t a competition.
What many people need to understand is that mental illnesses don't care about your situation in life, whether you're rich, poor, male or female,young or old, healthy or sick, it doesn't matter. Anyone can have mental illness.
“Just get over it”
No, just no. It doesn’t work that way.
When you’re depressed you don’t control your thoughts, your thoughts control you.
Saying “just be happy” to a person with depression is the same as throwing a baby into the sea and yelling “ just swim.
“It’s just a trend stop faking”
It’s not just a trend, and don’t assume someone is faking something if you have no knowledge on the topic.
“Take your mind off it and do something else.”
While depression does cause unrealistic and dark thoughts in many people, these thoughts cannot just be turned off. Someone with depression is not able to control it at will; if they could do so, then they would. The problem with asking your teen with depression to do something else is that he or she legitimately cannot do so. Making him or her feel as though they can do something but are choosing not to can exacerbate the problem.
What to Say Instead
Instead, try validating your teen’s experience. Say something like, “I understand that it’s so hard for you to get out of bed or go out and do something. If you’d like to try, I can help you. If it is too hard right now, that’s okay.”
“Everyone has stress. You just need to deal with it like everybody else.”
In most cases, depression is not simply caused by stress. Yes, the everyday ups and downs of life can make depression worse, but having a lot of homework or fighting with a friend are not the types of events that would cause a healthy person to spiral into clinical depression. It is true that there are people who have worse stress than your teen, but pointing that out is not helpful. Your teen has real pain and being told to deal with it won’t make it any better.
What to Say Instead
Instead, say, “You are feeling real pain, and you should not compare your pain to that of others.” Assure your teen with depression that he or she shouldn’t feel bad about this illness that he or she cannot control.
“choose happiness.” “Happiness is a choice!” “Wake up each morning and choose to be happy.”
This is one of the most infuriating concepts. Maybe happiness is a choice for some people. When you’re depressed, there is. no. choice. Depression takes that choice away from you, or at least tricks your brain from being able to make that choice. It’s not a decision. It’s not something your inspirational edited photo will fix. It is a CHEMICAL IMBALANCE.
“Stop whining and complaining.”
Someone with depression often has a hard time thinking of anything positive to say. They might dwell on their problems, and to you, those problems might seem quite minor. It can absolutely be draining to listen to complaining most of the time. However, it’s important that you don’t convey this to your teen. They’re confiding in you because they feel that they can depend on you.
What to Say Instead
It is okay to need a break, and it’s okay to tell your teen that you would like to revisit the topic of whatever is bothering him or her at a later time. Just don’t make them feel bad about it. Say something like, “I understand how much this is bothering you. I would like to listen, but I just cannot right at this moment. Let’s talk more about this after dinner.”
Never say "I hate the way you're behaving recently". They are in a mindset of hating themselves. They don't need reinforcement of those thoughts from anyone that they respect or love. Anger, however it is communicated, has the same effect when a depressed person believes that it is their fault or directed at them. They may own your anger, whether they are involved or not, and not bother to verify if they are correct. They will just become more distant and go into a defensive posture shutting down communication.
Have you tried thinking positive?
By asking questions of this nature, the condition is blamed on the victim. Of course, if your child could just think happy thoughts and feel better, they would. Their inability to maintain cheerful thinking for an extended period of time is the problem. Additionally, it devalues what people are going through. Their suffering is not only a result of having depressing thoughts; rather, it is a physical illness that they are unable to manage on their own.
Instead,
Ask your depressed teen what you can do to help instead. Be supportive if your teen is unable to provide an answer. Though you might try proposing an activity they'd like, don't let it make them feel guilty if they can't participate right now
I know a person who has suffered more than you. But he/she is doing just fine. You just need to let go of the past.
There is no comparison. It's not something that can be measured or quantified. Talking about a person who has faced worse and doing better doesn't help. It makes them feel that maybe they are not trying hard enough.
We all fight our battles differently.
I can see that some people genuinely try to help, but they are uninformed about major depression. Besides, depressed people have their distinctive mindset. People who haven't been there would never know the way depressed people think.
As a result, sometimes they leave me in a far worse state after their kind "encouragement."
Depression is scary and overwhelming for your teen to deal with. Knowing what to say and what not to say when talking to a teen with depression will help you to help your teen get through this difficult time. Share this list with your close friends and family members so that they do not unknowingly say something to your teenager that could end up hurting more than it helps.